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“Control Freak” seems to be a cussword to some people. But when you are an over-achieving, type-A, high-capacity girl, being affectionately called a Freak can really come off like a compliment.
I never really saw my need for control as a bad thing. I always thought I was good at multi-tasking and ensuring that all the items on my great to-do list of life got checked off. And who wouldn’t want to live in that euphoria of accomplishment?
It wasn’t long until the weight of the world began to feel heavy on my shoulders. I was a strong and stubborn girl, so I fought off the inevitable “dropping of a ball” as long as could. But before I knew it, items on my to-do list began to slip, and my desire to run the universe grew out of control and manifested in anxiety. Thoughts like, “What is wrong with me?” “Why can’t I handle this?” and “I just need to try harder” began to scream in my ear.
Control and anxiety go hand-in-hand and feed off of each other, egging each other on to just keep trying harder. I was exhausted. The simple act of just living life was overwhelming, and I could no longer function in this space. I wanted to control all areas of my life because if I were in control then there would be no surprises. I would be safe because I was in the driver’s seat. I would be successful because I determined my own fate. I would be happy because if I already know the outcome, what could go wrong?
I wish I could tell you I was living this life and then I found the Lord and was saved from my wicked ways. The truth is, I had a relationship with the Lord long before my control-freakiness began. I was sealed with the Holy Spirit, but I still believed I could do life better if I was in control, rather than THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE.
By His grace, God began to nudge in me the direction of freedom. People around me encouraged me to seek counseling and peel back the layers of why I felt the need to grasp at control. Reluctantly I saw a Christian counselor as well as met with my pastor, and the blinders were lifted.
Somewhere along the lines in my faith journey I laid the foundational belief that God would love me more, protect me more, etc. if I was perfect or if I was his go-to gal. When I shared this belief with my pastor he asked me a series of simple questions that busted up that faulty theology.
He asked me, “Meghan, if you were to stop by and see your dad right now, what would you do with him? What would he want to do with you? Would he want you to come over and clean his house? Would he want you to cook him lunch and schedule his appointments? Or would he just want to be with you? Would your dad be honored and pleased to just have you sit by him and have you share your heart with him? Why would you think God wants anything more from you?”
Paradigm. Shift.
My God, my loving Heavenly Father didn’t (and doesn’t) need me to be an over-achieving all-star for Him. He doesn’t need my skills or my abilities. He wants my heart. He wants me to sit at His feet and tell Him about my day while He strokes my hair. He just wants a relationship with me based on love and submission, not tasks and to-do lists. Oh what sweet freedom I can live in.
This is correct theology. This is where I choose to have relationship with my Heavenly Father. Here is where I lean into His love and comfort, and willingly give Him the reins of life. I still have my bad days, and my bent is still to pick up an extra plate or ball or whatever and throw it up in the air. But my good and gracious God always guides me back to a place of humble submission, a place of relinquishing control and trusting in Him. To Him be the glory.