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When my now-husband and I were dating we had that conversation. You know, the conversation of how many kids you can see yourself having. I told him I didn't want to have children.
He was shocked and seemed disappointed there was something we actually disagreed on. My husband values children, and has always dreamed of having a family he can care for, love on and ultimately teach sports to.
To set the record straight I do enjoy children. Sure, I may not know every little thing about them and yes, sometimes I cry when I hold them. Okay, that happened once. (Sorry, baby Grey). It wasn’t that I don’t value children. But when I told him I didn't want to have children, I was ultimately saying my fear was greater than my trust in the Lord.
When that fear crept in, it wrecked my heart and paralyzed me to even think about actually having them. So my simple reaction was to say I didn't want to have them. When that was the furthest from the truth. I truly desire to have a family of my own. I have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to those dreams and desires.
Yet those thoughts still came: What if I can't have children? Will my husband and family still love me? What if I’m a terrible mother? What if I fail? How could I truly believe the Lord to be faithful in all areas of my life EXCEPT this one? This was the little piece I couldn't give to the Lord. That deep fear and insecurity I kept holding onto and bottling inside. In my case, fear ultimately became an idol. I was a slave to these thoughts and feelings. But Jesus didn't die on the cross so I could be controlled by this fear.
When my husband and I had the discussion of when we would start trying, I remember it still being difficult. My heart was still so wrecked by those fears that I was letting myself miss out on the joy because I was choosing fear. I was choosing not to trust that, no matter what happens, children or not, God is enough.
I need to remind myself of that truth when the fear creeps in. It’s an internal struggle that I had to bring to light, knowing that my God is bigger than my fears. If children weren’t in His plan for us, I would embrace what He does have planned for us. I would lean into that and know it’s all for His glory. I want to chase after the Lord, choosing joy even in the unknown. I want His desires to be my own, while I fully trust in Him.
I am happy to say my husband and I are expecting our first son, Hudson James, in early November. This season of being pregnant has been so full of joy. I have had an amazing time being pregnant; I know that sounds a bit silly, but I truly have! It’s amazing to see how the Lord can soften hearts and bring such beauty out of fears and insecurities. I would be lying if I said I don’t have fears that creep in from time to time. But I also have the confidence of knowing the Lord does not give us more than He can handle.
We are excited to be parents to this sweet baby boy and grateful that the Lord has entrusted us with raising him. Our prayer for our son is that he would grow up to love and serve the Lord, and not cling to fear. This pregnancy has given us more ways to depend on the Lord and ultimately grow to know Him better. I truly feel I was made to be a mother and am fully embracing this plan the Lord has gifted us with.