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This is the blog post I never wanted to write and the words I never wanted to say.
Probably the biggest lie I have had to wrestle to the ground these past few years is that my infertility is a punishment.
Punishment.
From God.
For my past.
For my sin.
Now I would never say this out loud, nor would I let any of you. But I think it all of the time.
And there are days, those hard, dark, painful days that I actually believe it. Because I know my past, I know the depths of my sin and I know how far I was from the Lord.
I also know there is a kind of suffering that is unexplainable, and so you start reaching for explanations.
When I found out the medical explanation for much of our infertility, I was actually relieved, maybe even thrilled, because there was finally a cause, a reason, a diagnosis I could treat.
And then when we started treating each of those diagnoses with surgery or medicine, and there was still no success, things got dark. Each month that passed made us feel more empty. And in our emptiness, our wall was being filled with pictures of newborn babies. Other people’s newborn babies.
Every new birth announcement we received in the mail that had “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above” (James 1:17) printed across the top made us wonder why we were not worthy of this gift.
And no logical explanation could suffice, other than punishment for my sin.
When Job suffered, there was no logical reason as to why. Job, his friends and his family couldn’t understand why. So just like we would do, they started to fill in the gaps, trying to find answers as to why God would allow this. They began saying it was because of this reason or that reason, or maybe because there was some hidden, unconfessed sin in his life, and they tried to make sense of suffering.
And I’ve done the same. Because I can’t stand not knowing the “why” behind the pain. And the only explanation would be punishment. I deserve this. For all of the sinful things I’ve done in my past, of course this would happen. It only seems fair/even.
But that’s the thing. We can’t always make sense of suffering.
It wasn’t until I was singing the words “All condemned feel no shame/At the sound of your great name”[1] in church (and wanting to hide under the table) did I realize God is not punishing me.
He is not punishing me for my sin because He’s already taken that punishment. The Lord is not dealing with my sin by making me infertile. He dealt with my sin on the cross.
God will not punish me for my sin if Christ has already taken the punishment. And me believing that my infertility is a punishment is not trusting in the finished work of Christ.
Thinking I needed, or deserved, more punishment for my sin than the punishment Christ had already taken was really, really bad theology. And it’s not the gospel.
Religion tells us God is looking at your deeds and punishing you when you step out of line. The gospel, the good news of Christ, is that He chases you down when you were far from the line and brings you back in. Time and time again.
The one reminding you constantly of your sin and the punishment you deserve is not the God of grace, but the accuser from hell trying to convince you that God’s wrath is still being poured out on you because Christ’s death wasn’t enough.
Job’s suffering wasn’t a result of his sin; it was actually a result of his faithfulness. And that is so beyond my understanding.
In Christ, my suffering – your suffering – isn’t punishment for sin. It is a means to be sanctified on earth to glorify our father in heaven.
When there are no logical answers to suffering, can you trust that God is good and for your good no matter what?
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. – 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
[1] Natalie Grant. “Your Great Name.” Curb Records, 2010.
Originally published on selftalkthegospel.com.