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It has been seven months since I slept through the night. I know this because my baby is seven months old. While Leo arrived with a full head of hair, bright eyes and a big gummy smile, he also came with his mother’s terrible sleeping habits.
Everyone tells you how you won’t sleep as a parent. Everyone tells you how infuriatingly hard it is to be a parent. It changes everything, they say. And they are right.
It was the third time Leo had woken up that night. It was only 9 o’clock and I was already exhausted. Andrew and I tend to tag team the “put-downs.” Whoever is feeling particularly strong or lucky goes in for the initial (arguably the hardest) put-down, then we sort of switch off after that. It’s never been an arrangement we’ve discussed; it’s just how it worked out.
“How can you love something so much and be so frustrated with it at the same time?” Andrew asks.
I’m not sure. But we are. We are absolutely in love and absolutely exhausted. Leo won’t do the thing he needs to do so badly. He won’t give himself over. He won’t trust us to guide him to sleep, and he won’t stay in the place we put him.
And yet, in all of the sleeplessness, in the haze of new parenthood, we are overwhelmed with a love we barely understand – a love we can only fully express a portion of, a love that makes me break down crying as I type these words, a love that not only makes these experiences worth it, but worthwhile.
Everyone tells you how exhausting parenthood will be. No one tells you it will open up a love inside of you that you never knew was there, and that it will change the way you see and understand God – forever.
As I hold Leo, verses describing God as a parent come to mind:
“As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.” – Isaiah 66:13 (NRS)
“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!” – Luke 13:34 (ESV)
“Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.” – Psalm 121:4 (ESV)
I am holding Leo and crying tears of joy and exhaustion, and I’m praying he’ll sleep. But I’m also telling Leo that I will hold him forever, that there is nothing he can do that will make me stop loving him, that it is my joy and privilege to care for him.
And when I say the words, I mean it. Suddenly, I understand the sort of love God has for His children, for all of us. I understand a portion of the depth of His love and grace. Because I’m positive there is nothing this child of mine can do to make me stop loving him.